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[it took him 129 days to finally stop breathing without you there.]

on day 32, he bought flowers and slid them into a thin vase
on the windowsill. a petal fell off and floated to a silent rest
on the water's surface, and a single ripple weakly faded away.

he threw the flowers out that night.


on day 58, he woke from a nightmare, clawed at the pillow
your picture was on, and his fingernail snagged on the paper.
he gazed wantonly for a minute at the ragged shreds, then
promptly turned on his side and shut his eyes.

the torn-up paper drifted off into the cracks between the floors.


on day 99, he thought you came back, and he cried out in joy,
only to watch as the tears washed away the blurred image of you.
he clutched at the wadded up napkins in his hand, and teardrops
fell, blending into the many there before them.

he saw you again that night, and wished himself to wake up.


[on day 129, he lay six-and-a-half feet under the ground,
white daises scattered daintily around the freshly mounted earth.
you stood alone, in the rain and the trees, and you regretted how
you came back in time just to cry out in broken sobs.]
written for the Second Annual Poetry Screams Contest: [link]

prompt: "alone in the cemetery".

HIT 100 FAVES 1 WEEK AFTER SUBMISSION. thank you all. (:


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comments/opinions/faves?
:iconcommentplz:
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:iconthewrittenrevolution:: does the fact that i did not state what form of love this piece is based on help the effect of the piece?
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:iconx-raes:
X-RAES Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist
oh my gosh no why :(
i love your work haha idk why i'm torturing myself by reading such heartbreaking things :P
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:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
omf don't continue torturing yourself!
:heart:
Reply
:iconfluffy-emo-chan:
Fluffy-Emo-Chan Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2011
Looking through my faves out of boredom and I can't help but say just how much I ADORE this poem! It's so full of emotion :) Good job.
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
aww, thanks so much! (:
Reply
:iconth3chos3non3:
Th3Chos3nOn3 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is so tragically beautiful. Makes me want to cry. ;_;'
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
*_______* thank you!
Reply
:iconlittle-supernova:
little-supernova Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The last line makes the whole poem. Just sayin'.
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
i'm glad you think so. ;D
Reply
:icondarknightforever:
darknightforever Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011
I have a question. I'm doing a project for my Audio Design class. We have to record a bit of poetry/prose and add music to it in the background and I was wondering if you would mind me using this?
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
sure, if you credit me in your credits! P:
Reply
:icondarknightforever:
darknightforever Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011
I will, thank you! <3
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
no problem! i'm honoured!
Reply
:icondragon-fly-inn:
Dragon-Fly-Inn Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2011
sad, but really really great. I like it!
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconkukkimarie:
kukkimarie Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
): wa!!!
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:!
Reply
:iconamorefidelis:
amorefidelis Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
if it's you you would come back for him, right?

I love this piece. I would recreate this piece one day and will make him/her go back in time.

I believe love never fails.

(ehem, okay you got me here. i really like the content and craft you've shown here.)

I am quite curious about the numbers you've used. Are they random? I hope not.

Suggestions:
does the fact that i did not state what form of love this piece is based on help the effect of the piece? --i think it would be more effective to state it.

The effect of the piece is already there, and it i think wouldn't lose anything if you clarify. ^__^

I know i don't have the right to judge you, but...
Content: 93/100 (-7 i think it's a bit general and vague.
Craft: 99/100 (-1 because no is perfect) haha.. :)

Compliments!! Very great Job on this!
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
as for the numbers; some are random, but some have meaning. :P

and as for your opinion on stating the form of love, it's all a matter of personal choice i guess. because due to it being unstated, one can always assume it's love for a family member, best friend, or boy/girlfriend.

thanks anyway. (:
Reply
:iconamorefidelis:
amorefidelis Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Sometimes when I read someone's work I'm not really thinking about myself. There's something about your poem that makes me want to know what's in your mind...

You're doing good with the craft,
but i wish one day you wouldn't hide behind words, and make it a point to express your hidden side.

(i know it's your prerogative, but, this is more of a foolish wish than a request).

I'm sorry for going off-board. and i hope you get what i mean. ^__^
thanks anyway.

(when the writer is more important than the "read") ^__^
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
yes i get what you mean. :P
i understand.
Reply
:iconamorefidelis:
amorefidelis Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconnmfinney:
nmfinney Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2010
Love it
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This is hauntingly gorgeous. :heart:
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you. :heart:
Reply
:icon0gl1tch0:
0Gl1tch0 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2010
Hmmm, how to critique.

While I don't see anything exactly wrong about it, it's not my favorite either. The symbolism was there, but it seemed forced. The flowers, the picture, they didn't have any meaning. The /vast/ majority of the time I think poems are too figurative, but if I were trying to make this better, I'd add a bit more symbolism there.

Maybe the flowers wilt paralleling his loss of hope?
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
most of my readers have no problem adding their own symbolism/meanings into my work, so i'm not too worried.

then again, perhaps you needed something more obvious, so that would be my bad.
thanks for the critique.
Reply
:iconwhimsy657:
whimsy657 Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2010  Student General Artist
Wow....thisisamazinglywellwritten!Ilovedit.:)
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! (:
Reply
:iconwhimsy657:
whimsy657 Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2010  Student General Artist
You're welcome happy Halloween!
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
happy halloween to you too!
Reply
:iconwhimsy657:
whimsy657 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2010  Student General Artist
oh thank you~ was yours good?
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
it was fine. i chilled. xD
Reply
:iconwhimsy657:
whimsy657 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2010  Student General Artist
Awesome! :)
Reply
:iconblack-bat:
black-bat Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010
This is beautifully written! I almost cried.
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
don't cry! :hug:
thank youu. (:
Reply
:iconblack-bat:
black-bat Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010
:) :hug:
You're very welcome ^^
Reply
:iconartsoul777:
ArtSoul777 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010
I love how you draw out such intense emotions in your pieces and this one is no exception and yet leave an air of mystery :D
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! <33
Reply
:iconunderworldriver:
underworldriver Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
The conclusion sold this for me. Great emotion! :heart:
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank youu. <3
Reply
:iconobsidiansnowflake:
ObsidianSnowflake Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010
that's really good! i actually enjoyed reading it dispite what it is about^^
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :D
Reply
:iconechococonut:
echococonut Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
this was so sad :( and definitely not the ending i imagined but i think that's what makes it so great.
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconmarrrow:
Marrrow Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
Ah, that's simply gorgeous-- so sad!
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:icondemented-inu:
demented-inu Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
Definitely a favorite. I like that you don't distinguish if it's a romantic love, a familial love, or a friendly love. It's just this sense of abandonment, and the guilt at the end is just crushing after reading the rest. Beautifully done.
Reply
:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! (:
Reply
:iconpysjamads:
Pysjamads Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
Beautiful. Well done!
It's a fave :noes:
Reply
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