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May 3, 2010
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a bright summer's day;

there's something about the yellow of the sunlight and how it soaks through your hair, turning it golden, that makes his heart blossom. sometimes he wishes he could look at you like a normal person does, so his heart doesn't falter like it does, and he'd be spared the trouble of restarting it. bet you didn't know that, did you? the quiet laughs always present on your voice never ceases to makes his lips curve up ever so slightly, but when you hold him still with your eyes and tilt your head, yellow-golden hair falling to one side, he's mesmerized by the sight in front of him.

and you are, too.
sometimes a thousand words isn't necessary to portray the beauty that is love.

yes, 115 words. i wanted to have it at a hundred, but i couldn't bear to cut any.

2nd place in :iconbrennaburk111805:'s contest: [link]

---

:iconthewrittenrevolution:: if i were to increase/decrease the amount of words, would it affect the piece? or do you think that the length fits the piece?
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:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You captured a moment simply perfectly. I do believe there are certain parts that seem a teeny bit rushed, but that could just be the paragraph construction. I think this is beautiful, however. The words, the attachment, the sun's role, the hint of opulence. All perfect. :)
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:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you. (:
yeahh, might seem a bit rushed, cause i wanted to have a certain amount of words and it already overshot it, so.. :P
but thank you again! <3
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:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well it was beautiful, regardless. It made me sigh and feel happy which, I hope is what you were aiming for. :D
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:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
definitely. :D
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:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:D
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:iconmarikob-k:
marikob-k Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Short and sweet has never been truer! I love this piece, it's really quite genius and so relatable! This is really really great the way it is. :)
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:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thanks so much! (:
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:iconmspadfoot2:
mspadfoot2 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2010  Student Writer
This is perfect exactly the way it is. Every word is perfectly chosen, every image perfectly described. There is nothing you could do to this to make it better.
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:iconelectrickiss:
electrickiss Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! i'm glad you think so! :love:
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:iconnarataree:
NaraTaree Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2010  Professional Writer
So, this is the way I was taught to write critiques. I am not trying to rewrite your piece for you, so do not become offended. This is just how I was trained and I want to give you the criticism you requested.


a bright summer's day;

there's something about the yellow of (cut out -the- This piece could be tightened a little. It seems like such a smooth, almost buttery piece of writing and I think it loses its short, consistency when there are extra words) sunlight, (cut: and) how it soaks through your hair, turning it golden, that makes his heart blossom. (I see what you are doing with the lowercase, but it just doesn't seem to work for me for some reason.) (S)ometimes he wishes he could look at you like a normal person (cut: does), so his heart doesn't falter (cut: like it does), (there is a lot of use of the word and. I think perhaps other linking words like then might work better in this spot. Then he'd be spared might flow better) he'd be spared the trouble of restarting it. (I don't think this works, I am not sure what you are trying to say, perhaps rephrasing it might make i t a bit clearer. bet you didn't know that, did you?) the quiet laugh(ter) always present (on could be in) your voice (cut? It seems to be overstating what you want. Its your piece but when i read it without the "never ceases to" it seemed to flow better. Just my suggestion) makes his lips curve up ever so slightly.

This is where the piece became a little too, for lack of a better word, "weak." I think perhaps it is the wording of it. It doesn't seem to link back to summer and I wanted it to. I wanted there to be something said about daylight or to seem more refreshing and spectacular. It just seems common, to be enthralled with someone's eyes and lips. Perhaps you could come up with something a little more uncommon to make this person less of a stereotypical "blond beauty" with "golden hair" and perhaps someone a little more human that I could relate with. Something about falling in love with someone perfect just rattles the bars of my heart, because no one is perfect and this doesn't do anything but live up to that stereotype. The writing and notion are beautiful in and of them self but I wanted something a little more substantial, a statement of humanity not perfection. I am not saying this is a terrible piece, but it needs something else to really make the ending jump out. My suggestion for the last line (not to demand or try to change your work but to show you an example of what I mean:)

When he is still, held by your eyes and the tilt of your head, golden hair falling to one side, he is memorized by the sight of you. (Note: yellow-golden seems like overkill, golden or yellow would make it flow better.)

And you are, too.
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