so i dreamt of you last night.
as usual, you are with me, but as usual, i can't find you. so i scream your name, again and again until my throat goes raw and i wake, with my fists clenched, swallowing my sobs.
and i see him there, lying peacefully on his side, stray strands of hair fluttering under his breath as he sleeps. i look at him and your name pops into mind, but it's wrong.
i fear i'll say something i shouldn't, and he'll just love me more. i know when he wakes, he'll flash me a smile that breaks hearts. he'll ask for a morning kiss, and that's when your name will run repeatedly over and over in my head and spill over onto my lips. and i'll pray he doesn't taste it there.
he'll run the tub for me, somehow knowing the perfect temperature and amount of soap suds. he'll wash my hair for me, fingers trailing along my skin, and my tears will fall into the mixture of warm water and bubbles, leaving no trace, just a little extra salt.
he'll make me coffee, a pot of warmth and comfort, and i'll remember you at the coffee shop, slim hands clutching a mug as you said goodbye. i'll remember the dark liquid turning cold. and i'll see my disbelieving reflection in the face of my heart getting scattered across the table in the form of change you happened to leave behind.
he'll see my expression change and he'll be there. he'll hold me as he always does, hands feeling the steady drip-drip-drip of my never-ending tears and the spasms of my frame. he'll patch up my heart-that-was-spare-change and i'll feel just a little bit better.
he'll carry me to my room and slide in a video that he knows i like. he'll stand by the doorway, quietly watching me, and i know he'll look at the ugly, jagged scar you left on the back of my neck. i'll feel his gaze on that spot, and i'll try and say something, anything, to make up for the pain he has to go through for me.
but he'll say, "it's okay", and his eyes, tinged with a bit of sadness, will tug at my heart, and i'll want to apologize over and over for putting him through so much. and then he'll be gone, walking through the streets, and as i watch his hair mess up in the breeze, i'll realize that there's only enough in me to hold on to just one heart;
yours, or the one that beats within him.
and by the time he gets home, i've taken a hit of him, and it's gotten me all lightheaded. something's taking over the inside of me, and as my mind starts to drift, i realize that i've fallen in love with him, and you don't mean anything to me anymore.



















